We are human.

This year I left my job, a job I was really good at, a job I did a lot of good in, a job (for the most part) I really loved. Its a strange thing when something you love becomes the enemy. When your tolerance to the things that ordinarily you'd push through professionally become too unbearable to deal with.  If you've read my blog post 'Hospice nursing in a pandemic' you will have some insight into the in's and out's of the professional issues I and my former colleagues had being facing during  the first six months of the Pandemic.  For me though, the 'push' to fight on became too much. Made redundant in September 2020 and re-deployed into a job I didn't enjoy anywhere near as much within the organisation, my enthusiasm, vision, and loyalty gradually drained from me as work became a barren place to be and life outside had very little to offer to distract my soul from the daily socialisation with death. 

You see when your job is to focus on death and dying you don't realise how much you relied on the other things in life to counter the pain and sadness of others that you shoulder every day. The ability to go out, socialise, see family and friends. To go shopping freely, nip here and there and spontaneously jump in the car and see people and new places. All these things had always helped me balance the stress and feelings that had the potential to build up within me when dealing with death and sadness as part of my day job. With those things restricted and banned for long periods of time I like many others was left with a burden of sadness and emotional overload that took it's toll on my health and well being.

For me also, being a migraine sufferer the wearing of face masks constantly in my job became unbearable increasing my monthly migraines from 5 or 6 to over 10 a month. The build up of heat and lack of fresh air served to leading me every day to take medication in order to get through the day. That wasn't the only negative of the masks though. In end of life care a nurses 'face' is really really important. It's a frightening time when someone you love is dying, a kind smile, a look of reassurance, clear reassuring communication is essential for patients and families as they negotiate this frightening untrodden ground. The pandemic has stolen this from them too. Often unable to tell what we were saying to them, unable to gauge a reassuring look and unable to be touched or hugged in times of trauma has added to these peoples grief, anxiety and fear when facing the death of a loved one. The long term consequences of which we may never know.

The sometimes insane 'rules' we had to adhere to because of the 'safety' of other people, things that became rules for rules sake. As I argued it out that a woman dying of breast cancer that infiltrated her lung should be allowed to keep her fan (the only thing giving her any relief) in 30 degree summer heat, in a side room on her own, with a negative covid test. I was told "fans aren't allowed, it's what the government rules are we have to abide by them."  This incident has scarred me deeply and will stay with me always. It's one of the many things that has served to chip away at my heart and left me deeply depressed at the way things have become. It makes me ask the question. Have we lost perspective and down right common sense in this new 'normal' we find ourselves in? Has government propaganda really been in our 'best interest' or has it just been there to ensure ticks in the ballot box, a win at the next election. Have we all become too afraid to use our common sense? Has fear led us to ditch compassion? Being seen to be doing the right thing over what the 'right thing' really is?

As controversial as this view point might be , I want to remind myself and others that common sense and grey areas do exist in life. I want to remind myself and others that we are not immortal. That humanity will never and can never, and arguably should never, be disease free. The sacrifices we have made  in order to get 'statistics' into an acceptable attractive graph will have repercussions for many years to come. Domestic abuse cases up. Suicide numbers up. Lost formative months of fundamental developmental in our children up. Increase in poverty. Increase in depression and anxiety. No longer able to see our GP's face to face unless they decide it necessary. The pushing down and restriction of human contact, of physical touch and affection, of singing and dancing, of meeting together has had grave consequences. 

All these things are there because as humans, we cannot be treated as robots. We cannot live without human socialisation. It may be more cost effective and efficient for our G.P's to take phone appointments and video calls, but there is absolutely no way that that is a sufficient replacement for face to face contact where emotions can be read, none verbal communication can be understood and compassion can be conveyed. If like me you have silently cried as your surgery's recorded message says 'we are operating a closed door policy' then you will understand what I am saying. If this is the future, it is a much sadder place to be.

There will no doubt be a whole host of positive things to come out of this most awful of times. There are already many things to be grateful for, our NHS, our scientists, the spirit of generosity and love that has been seen in acts of kindness and compassion throughout this pandemic. There will be many untold stories of small miracles, of pure acts of love and generosity that will never been known by others.  As we look to our Government to lead us into better times we can only hope that these will be the things that become the most important  to us as human beings. That ultimately Love and humanity will be at the fore of all we do.

I feel exposed and vulnerable writing this piece more than any other I have written because actually, there is some shame attached to not feeling strong enough to keep going in the face of adversity, there is embarrassment to admitting weakness. But I want to let you know, that if you can relate to feeling overwhelmed, to being depressed, to struggling everyday to emotionally keep your head above water in a pandemic or in normal times, you are not alone. You are human.